I like my solitude and my cattle dog

“I like my solitude and my cattle dog....” 

These last few years I have started to enjoy the little things more in my life.  I have gotten to the point of I would rather have adventures than possessions. Granted, I would still love a full LQ horse trailer pulled by a new dually & a nice ranch with a big barn and indoor arena, but I also want to drink coffee on a porch in Arizona & listen to the wolves howl in Montana on a full moon.

 I prefer animals over people somedays. I’ve spent more time in the last two years talking to horses & cattle than I have to any human (other than my mother of course). 

I’ve battled with some self issues, from being self conscious about my weight to my riding abilities.  I’ve learned almost everyone does battle some issues, whether or not they admit it openly. Depression isn’t something to handle lightly, but it does get better the more you work on it and find the things that make you truly happy.  Yes I have been depressed, no I don’t want to kill myself. 

I like my solitude and my cattle dog.  I like strong coffee and a good book.  I find comfort from the smell of my horses.  I cry for no good reason sometimes, and smile a second later.  I have a fear of trusting people, because so many people have broken my ever so trusting heart.

I hide from the normal crowd of party kids and drama queens.  I would rather stay at home alone than go into a place I don’t feel like I fit in.  I don’t enjoy the company of drunks.  I don’t enjoy the company of liars, traitors and aristocrats.

I once was someone I wouldn’t want to be friends with today.  I went out and danced till my feet hurt and my heart didn't. I kept the company of horrible people, who only wanted to be friends when they needed something from me.  

I’ve lived and traveled to more states than most people have even been in their entire lives.  I’ve chased my dreams and crashed and burned while doing so.  I’ve seen the amazing wonders of things being born, and I’ve witnessed things leave this planet to go onto a better place whether it be an animal on a ranch or my hero in a hospital bed.  I’ve watched the northern lights and I’ve seen the Texas desert.  I’ve fallen in and out of love with people and with things.  I have been broke on cash, broken hearted and broken down on the interstate.  

I’ve stopped claiming that everything is alright and that I am “doing perfectly fine”. Because guess what, I’m not always alright and I’m not always doing fine.  I have meltdowns.  I pack up and move away for no good reason other than a new start.  I have cried as I drive down a back road blaring some sad red dirt song. I’ve gone weeks without riding my own horses because the drive inside myself was broken by someones hateful words.  I’ve let people tear me down, when I should have used it as fuel to come back stronger. 

But here I am, still pushing on.  Still giving it all I’ve got.  I may not ever be the worlds best cowgirl, but I for damn sure will go down in history as someone who tried to be the best she could be and has inspired others to keep going.  

I don’t know where my future is taking me just yet, and I think thats okay.  For the first time, I’m not worried about my future nearly as much, I am just letting God take control and take me where he believes I belong.  I could end up in owning a Leather shop in some old west town, or I will rodeo and live on the road, or maybe I will own a big ranch in Texas raising longhorn cattle.  Whatever God has planed for me, is better than anything I could come up with.