There, I said it, “I gave up”

Finding peace is comfort. Finding your comfort is heavenly.  

Living on the run can be your comfort for a while so it seems, but is that really comforting? Or are you running from what could be your comfort?

I’ve spent years on the run.  I love my gypsy life and probably won't change much, but I finally realized what I’ve been missing by running.  Like missing my nieces first birthday or my great grandmothers funeral.  Things I shouldn’t have ever missed just to say “well I had to go to a rodeo for someone else.” or “I can't afford to drive home right now, I’m sorry!”.

I learned a lot and gained lots of life lessons, but some lessons could have been avoided.  I got hurt too much, mentally physically and emotionally.  I gave too much to people who didn’t deserve it, or maybe they did but just took it for granted.  I am not saying I didn't put myself in these positions, but sometimes the pain was uncalled for.  

I have previous bosses who owe me thousands of dollars.  I have a couple cowboys who still have a piece of my heart.  I have a few horror stories I won't ever forget.  I can handle death all too well it seems now days too.

I had my heart shattered in the last couple of months, and in ways I did it to myself.  I gave up on love.  There, I said it, “I gave up”.  But let me enlighten you as to why.  

I gave until I couldn't give anymore.  I gave until I broke my own heart.  I gave it my all to other peoples dreams, just to not even be chasing my own anymore. 

I spent years in Oklahoma trying to chase a dream but I ended up going through so much personal hell, that honestly I gave up on it.  I haven’t entered a barrel race since last March.  Now why did I move to Oklahoma? To run barrels & rodeo.  Why did I give up? Because I gave to others too much and figured they were so much more important than my dreams.  I thought I found my forever home.  I thought I found that happily ever after.  I guess I was wrong. 

So here I am, sitting in Cumberland Wisconsin with a crazy Aussie and my little family. I have a good job finally, a better family life, and my goals are being reached.  I plan to open my online boutique and to continue to ride barrel horses and get back into the rodeo arena by June.  I hope to be who I always wanted to be.  I have gone through too much not to be successful. 

This isn’t supposed to be a depressing post or anything like that.  But maybe it will give everyone a tiny bit of understanding of what has gone on.  I will post more about everything when I feel like I won’t be judged as harshly, because as of right now I still am dealing with too much hatred from others.  

Thank you Oklahoma.  I am glad I tried it, and I have no regrets, but I am thankful for coming home.